When I was only 10 years old my brother had accidentally knocked our dads razor off the counter and in an attempt to fix it he placed his thumb on the blade causing him to cut his finger at which point he started spewing blood all over the room mostly because he was flinging his hand around in a panic and when we were 16 at school I used to date a girl but my mother didn't find her suitable and so she forced us to break up and I had to explain to this young woman that I chose my mom over us because I literally didn't understand the idea of rebelling at the time and when we were 8 I ran away from home because I knew something was wrong with me like some sort of undefinable bad thing that I couldn't put my finger on but that set me apart from everyone else and when I tried to get an answer from my mom she told me that we were exactly as God made me which I obviously didn't like as an answer so I left the house and luckily I had a bunch of experience with the bus system so I took a bus to where I could take a train and I had the intent to run away to San Francisco but I realized I knew nothing and no one there and I would just get picked up by the police and sent back home anyways so I went back home with my tail between my legs and when we were 4 we lived in Texas in a farm house because my dad was in the military and my mom was basically running away from him and the farmhouse smelled like rotten cinnamon but I didn't know what cinnamon was at the time but I did know something was wrong with the smell and I kept telling my mom that the air was bad because I didn't know how else to explain the issue and she kept blowing me off because I never said the word smell so she didn't know what we were talking about and when we were 0 we were cold and warm and my eyes were blurry but I felt sensations and pressures and heard things more than the muffled things I had heard before and I would yell and scream because everything felt wrong and different but then my chest had sensation of air moving in and out and it was unpleasant in it's own way and that made me scream too and I only stopped because I'd get too tired to call out and when we were 27 I went skydiving out of a plane for the first time and I didn't want it to be the last time because there was a moment as we were falling where I felt cradled by the air where we were suspended in time and I didn't feel the pull of gravity on me and I wanted so badly to live in that moment but the training for skydiving was done early in the morning and so I'd need to wake up at 5 am and drive a couple hours to get there at 7 am and stay up until 10 am which wouldn't work because my schedule was already a night shift at that point and so the dream went in the bin and when we were 21 I slept in my car in Los Angeles and I had cloth pinned up into the felt ceiling of my car to prevent people from being able to look in but at 3 am in the morning anyways someone knocked on my window and I tried to ignore it but eventually I checked outside and it was a cop who told me that I couldn't sleep there and told me that it was illegal and I told him I had nowhere else to go but he didn't care and when we were 16 we were in high school and in an art program and the art program had a theater teacher who did some weird theater things and one of those involved sitting in a circle telling each other our thoughts and feelings like a sort of group therapy session and I remember telling everyone in the circle that I felt white hot rage at times and that I'd see red and there was no reaction although there was no reaction from anybody at the time and I remember hearing everyone else's struggles and thinking that I wish I could take their struggles on because I just so badly wanted to help and we didn't want them to suffer and so I prayed and prayed and God didn't respond because he's never responded to anything and when we were 1 we were miserable and when we were 2 we were miserable and when we were 4 we were miserable and when we were 8 we were miserable and when we were 16 we were miserable and when we were 20 we were miserable and it sometimes got better and sometimes got worse as I transitioned and when we were 9 I listened to a song my mom put on by TobyMac and Grits and I really like it even though it was a Christian rap song and when we were 13 I went to a Christian summer camp and was basically indoctrinated although we were a bit too autistic for it to be as effective as I think it was meant to be and I also met Kendra there who was dating a guy named Jason at the time and then we would hang out next to the shack underneath a redwood tree and drink Mr. Pibb which was the only time we had every had that drink because it was changed in 2001 to Pibb Xtra which means that soda we drank was probably one of the last cans of that soda around and Jason was an asshole to Kendra but she didn't want to break up with him and when we were 23 a transformer exploded in the forests near our house and the wind was really insane that night so the fire that it started instantly spread across the hills and it swept past our house and we lost everything we owned except for our computer which we were able to disconnect the tower of as well as our VR headset and when we were 8 our mom brought me and our siblings to Disneyland and we took pictures with Daffy Duck but our brother was still basically a baby so he was terrified of the guy and when he sat in his lap he pissed his pants but the guy taking the picture didn't notice and then there was a picture of my brother looking like he'd Seen Things with a big stain on the front of his pants and when we were 14 there was a girl in our class named Aliyah who listened to techno and would go to raves in Europe because she had dual citizenship and had family back there and she kept telling me how one day she'd take us to one of those raves but she never did and also when we were 14 my mom caught us and Aliyah smoking weed together and ended up dragging us home and throwing us in the shower fully clothed to try to sober us up and we were told we were never allowed to hang out with Aliyah ever again and when we were 5 my mom lived in Santa Rosa in a house that was literally in downtown and it was this big Victorian house but I had also played a computer game that featured Casper the Friendly Ghost around the same time we moved in and so ever dream I ever ended up having in that house started with Casper spinning a giant wheel of dreams for me to go into and then I'd go into one of them although sometimes they were nightmares so the whole thing was like the worlds craziest gambling machine and when we were 18 we tried to buy my first scratch off ticket but the guy at the counter thought we were using a fake ID because I had a baby face so even though it was supposed to be a fun adult activity it just turned into this awkward social situation because he didn't believe me or my mom who was standing behind me and her shirt was a black pinstripe button up and the man's name was Raj which we could see on his nametag that was white plastic with a smudge of black something on the edge of it and the left side of his collar was popped but he didn't know and the display behind him had run out of Marlboro Red's and had two packs of American Spirits in the yellow packaging and below the counter was a display with Reese's and Snickers and Hershey's and Juicy Fruity and the time was 3:13 PM and we had taken fifty seven steps in that store in total and the bell above the door chimed in C sharp and then A and when we were 15 we used some instructions we found online to make a drug called DMT using naptha and the bark of a tree that was red and reminded us of redwoods at the time and our father asked us what it was and we told him that it was a school science project and we don't know if he believed us but he didn't take it out of the freezer and throw it away so we were able to bring it over to our friend's house and smoke it out of tinfoil and we crashed on his couch for 12 minutes and 33 seconds and visualized hyperdimensional fractals of white and blue and green and red and orange and other colors we'd never seen before and aren't able to describe because they aren't colors that exist in the real world and when we were 14 we went to a Skillet concert and we had never been to a concert like that before so we weren't really prepared for the sort of physicality that you encountered and we got knocked over in a mosh pit and nearly crushed to death but luckily a bunch of guys reached in and dragged us across the floor and pulled us out and when we were 8 we got a Nerf gun and we were playing with it in the backyard and looked down the barrel and our father yelled at us and hit us and told us that we were a fucking idiot and that you were never supposed to look down the barrel of a gun even if it wasn't loaded which was something we already knew but we didn't understand why he was reacting so strongly about that because it was just a Nerf gun and when we were 10 we had a dog named Moonshine who was getting really old and so when we had come home from school on March 12th, 2005 we flung the door open dramatically and he got spooked and went to bite at us but it wasn't a serious injury and then he recognized us and clearly felt very bad and when we were 6 my grandfather took us fishing on a canoe out on Lake Tahoe and the water and air were incredibly cold and we sat out there for 4 hours and 32 minutes and we kept wanting to go back home because it was really boring but then we actually did catch two fish and we really enjoyed the process of skinning and cooking them although we didn't understand why we didn't just go to the grocery store to buy a fish instead of doing all of this because it seemed like it was so much more effort to catch them ourselves and when we were 19 we had a friend named Aiden who invited us out to go camping out in unmarked land and we were really excited because we had been camping a lot as a kid with our family but the places we went camping were official campgrounds and a cabin that Sam owned and so we had made sure we were fully equipped for roughing it in the wilds but then after we had parked our car and hiked half a mile towards the forest we were waiting for Aiden and his girlfriend to show up and they were taking a really long time and then his girlfriend finally found us and it turned out that they had gotten into an accident because they had forgotten some medication and so they had planned to run to a store real quick to pick some up and as they were pulling back out of the parking lot they got hit by a car and that ended the camping trip and we never got to go on a camping trip like that again and when we were 15 we were hanging out on the bed with a friend of ours who was also in Boy Scouts with us and we were chatting with a girl that we had met at Jesus camp who we had a situationship with at the time and our friend Mikey was being weird about the conversation we were having with this girl and we only found out two years later that apparently he had eyes on this girl but had never said anything to us and so he felt we were intruding on his space but he never told us that that was what was wrong and when we were 21 we lived in Los Angeles and were homeless and were living in our car and so we didn't have a source of internet but the Safeway near where we were parked had wifi and could be accessed from the outside of the building at all times of the night and they also had an external power port and so we found ourselves spending time up against the rough off yellow wall of the building with our laptop on our knees and we'd use that time to play Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes with our girlfriend Kendra who we were long distance with and when we were 14 we had gone to a concert in San Francisco with some friends of ours and they got high but we didn't because we were driving them and we had parked next to a house after spending 16 minutes and 44 seconds looking for a valid parking spot and the parking spot that we were near we had thought at the time was okay but we can now remember that the back of our car was about a foot into the driveway of a house and so of course the car got towed and when we had left the concert we found that our car was no longer there and we were panicking because that was the first time our car had ever been towed so we didn't know what the process was to get it back and we went back towards the bus stops to try to figure out how to get home because we were under the impression that that was the first thing we needed to accomplish but every bus that passed us by was full of people which is one of the other reasons our friend had wanted us as a form of transportation and so we were stuck there waiting when a white Chevrolet Express 2500 pulled up and the side door slid open and the inside of the van had no seats and the guy who opened the door asked if anyone needed a ride and our friend Sierra shrugged and stepped inside the windowless van and so of course us and her boyfriend had to follow because we weren't going to let her get murdered and the guy up front asked where we were going and us and my friend deliberated because we wanted to get our car out of lockup but we didn't really have the money to do so and then one of the other men in the car mentioned that he'd be able to front us the cash and he explained that he made LSD and usually lived in Florida but was visiting California for a bit selling his product and so we took him up on the offer and we were able to get our car out of lockup and then when we were 16 we went to the fairgrounds when the fair was there and the fair had a temporary roller coaster which we'd ridden a number of times before from previous years and so we got in line along with our girlfriend at the time and when we sat down in the cart it started off but the attendant hadn't pushed our lap bar down and we weren't able to do it ourselves and so we were freaking out and trying to get his attention and so eventually the cart got stopped on the carriage lift and he took the stairs up to us and he was very upset and we explained that our lap bar wasn't in place and he brushed us off and told us that it would've been fine and that we would've survived but he went and engaged it anyways and when we were 22 we worked at a Italian restaurant as a delivery driver and a business ordered catering for 11:30 in the morning and we were delivering the pasta to them but someone cut us off in traffic so we had to slam on the brakes and so the pasta slid across our seat and slammed into the back of the passenger side chair and spilled all over the floor making a massive mess and when we were 17 we were with two friends of ours who were dating as well as our girlfriend and we were all house sitting and...